Six Months in a Leaky Boat?
As my family and friends would know, i've been going through a very tough time of late. Although i've spoken to most of you recently, i thought i'd publish an account of my recent illness, in the hope that it will help people understand what i have been through. I have been amazed at the number of people who have come to me with stories of friends or relatives who have been overcome with similar problems as i.
The story begins on Boxing Day last year, where Kerri and i were visiting her parents at Redhead. We were taking a leisurely stroll along the beach, when i was suddenly overcome by extreme dizziness. It wasn't the first time this had ever happened, so after a bit of a rest i shrugged it off and we continued on our way. Later that evening i had another episode during dinner, which obviously concerned me, but it wasn't until the following night that it really hit me. I was in a deep sleep, when surprised with, what i now call, a head surge. Physically, it felt a bit like the tingly feeling associated with a cold shiver that propagates up ones spine, however it was more a burning sensation, similar to pins and needles, and far more intense. This feeling was happening inside my head - inside my brain to be precise. It went off with a sudden burst, a buzz lasting only a second or two, but it was accompanied by an emotional feeling, a feeling that i was dying. It was the most frightening experience of my life. From a deep sleep, i jumped into a startled sitting position in a microsecond. I think i then went into shock, trembling with what had just transpired. It took a while but, with some comfort from Kerri, i eventually allowed myself to fall asleep, and all was well. About 3 or 4 days later, i had a second episode. Again, it happened while i was sleeping, and again i felt like i was dying. It was terribly frightening.
Over the next couple of weeks i had a few more episodes, mostly at night, and I started to recognise a pattern. My thoughts, even while sleeping, were being abruptly interrupted, and instantly jumping to something completely unrelated. I found it analogous to a computer program crash, where my brain would be executing some thought code, but suddenly jumped to the wrong instruction, executing code from another program. At the same time i would experience a "head surge" - that extremely unpleasant physical feeling inside my head, and a feeling of death. What was happening to me? Was i going crazy? I believed my brain was malfunctioning but didn't understand why, and this made me very, very worried.
Many doctors' visits later, undergoing numerous tests including brain x-rays, blood tests, 24 hour heart monitors, stress tests, and ultra-sound examinations of the heart, the doctors concluded that my episodes were due to Acute Anxiety Disorder. I wasn't completely convinced but it seemed to make sense. I continued to have dizzy spells and these head surges, but not too bad, so went straight back to work and continued my busy life. I seemed to improve for a while, however after about 3-4 weeks i suddenly got worse. And i mean much, much worse. I got to the point that i could not do anything. The attacks were triggered by everything, and often nothing. I could not read, listen to music, watch tv or have a shower without having an attack. I spent night after night on little or no sleep, trying to stay awake, as it was when i was sleeping that they were most frightening.
I was in a very bad state but i was seeking help. The doctors explained that the malfunction was due to a depletion of the chemical messengers in the brain (serotonin and noradrenaline), and so i was placed on anti-depressants, which help boost these chemical levels. It took a further 4 weeks of suffering before they started to work, however they did begin to work. And what really helped was understanding what was happening to me, as my worrying was in itself causing me to become even more ill. It took me a while to work it out, but i believe i now understand the attacks i was experiencing ...
When the episodes occur, my brain is triggered into a state of panic, and it does this by releasing a chemical, causing the instinctual part of my brain to take over. This has the effect of increasing my heart rate, improving my reactions, and making me jump through the roof! The most negative effect however, is that during these panic attacks, i am made to feel like i am dying. This is a perfectly natural way to feel when panicking, if one is panicking for a good reason! Unfortunately I had no control over my thoughts or emotions when these surprise attacks struck.
Why was my brain malfunctioning in this way? Well looking back there had been symptoms of anxiety during the preceding 12 months, but as i had experienced these before, i shrugged them off. In the final months of last year i was doing way too much. I was stressed at work, was playing two competitive sports per week, had far too many visits to the dentist, was learning to drive a manual transmission for the first time (in city traffic), my brother had a life threatening illness, i had been playing the most frightening computer game ever (Doom3), and i had just moved house. I had too much anxiety and i had no relief. Looking back, i can now see it was inevitable that i would crash.
The good news - i am now much better! I rarely have an attack now, and when it does happen, it's very mild. I have progressed so far that i felt comfortable in writing about my attacks in the past tense. I will continue on medication for a while longer, but if i take care of myself i do not foresee the illness returning. I have learned to listen to my body, to realise when i'm pushing it too far. I've learned the value of relaxation time, but most of all i've learned not to worry so much. Life is way too short and it doesn't do you any good anyway!
I would like to conclude with a message for Kerri. It must have been so frustrating for you, but i am very grateful for your patience and understanding. You really helped get me through this terrible part of my life, especially during the times when i doubted that i would get better. Thank you so very, very much.
The story begins on Boxing Day last year, where Kerri and i were visiting her parents at Redhead. We were taking a leisurely stroll along the beach, when i was suddenly overcome by extreme dizziness. It wasn't the first time this had ever happened, so after a bit of a rest i shrugged it off and we continued on our way. Later that evening i had another episode during dinner, which obviously concerned me, but it wasn't until the following night that it really hit me. I was in a deep sleep, when surprised with, what i now call, a head surge. Physically, it felt a bit like the tingly feeling associated with a cold shiver that propagates up ones spine, however it was more a burning sensation, similar to pins and needles, and far more intense. This feeling was happening inside my head - inside my brain to be precise. It went off with a sudden burst, a buzz lasting only a second or two, but it was accompanied by an emotional feeling, a feeling that i was dying. It was the most frightening experience of my life. From a deep sleep, i jumped into a startled sitting position in a microsecond. I think i then went into shock, trembling with what had just transpired. It took a while but, with some comfort from Kerri, i eventually allowed myself to fall asleep, and all was well. About 3 or 4 days later, i had a second episode. Again, it happened while i was sleeping, and again i felt like i was dying. It was terribly frightening.
Over the next couple of weeks i had a few more episodes, mostly at night, and I started to recognise a pattern. My thoughts, even while sleeping, were being abruptly interrupted, and instantly jumping to something completely unrelated. I found it analogous to a computer program crash, where my brain would be executing some thought code, but suddenly jumped to the wrong instruction, executing code from another program. At the same time i would experience a "head surge" - that extremely unpleasant physical feeling inside my head, and a feeling of death. What was happening to me? Was i going crazy? I believed my brain was malfunctioning but didn't understand why, and this made me very, very worried.
Many doctors' visits later, undergoing numerous tests including brain x-rays, blood tests, 24 hour heart monitors, stress tests, and ultra-sound examinations of the heart, the doctors concluded that my episodes were due to Acute Anxiety Disorder. I wasn't completely convinced but it seemed to make sense. I continued to have dizzy spells and these head surges, but not too bad, so went straight back to work and continued my busy life. I seemed to improve for a while, however after about 3-4 weeks i suddenly got worse. And i mean much, much worse. I got to the point that i could not do anything. The attacks were triggered by everything, and often nothing. I could not read, listen to music, watch tv or have a shower without having an attack. I spent night after night on little or no sleep, trying to stay awake, as it was when i was sleeping that they were most frightening.
I was in a very bad state but i was seeking help. The doctors explained that the malfunction was due to a depletion of the chemical messengers in the brain (serotonin and noradrenaline), and so i was placed on anti-depressants, which help boost these chemical levels. It took a further 4 weeks of suffering before they started to work, however they did begin to work. And what really helped was understanding what was happening to me, as my worrying was in itself causing me to become even more ill. It took me a while to work it out, but i believe i now understand the attacks i was experiencing ...
When the episodes occur, my brain is triggered into a state of panic, and it does this by releasing a chemical, causing the instinctual part of my brain to take over. This has the effect of increasing my heart rate, improving my reactions, and making me jump through the roof! The most negative effect however, is that during these panic attacks, i am made to feel like i am dying. This is a perfectly natural way to feel when panicking, if one is panicking for a good reason! Unfortunately I had no control over my thoughts or emotions when these surprise attacks struck.
Why was my brain malfunctioning in this way? Well looking back there had been symptoms of anxiety during the preceding 12 months, but as i had experienced these before, i shrugged them off. In the final months of last year i was doing way too much. I was stressed at work, was playing two competitive sports per week, had far too many visits to the dentist, was learning to drive a manual transmission for the first time (in city traffic), my brother had a life threatening illness, i had been playing the most frightening computer game ever (Doom3), and i had just moved house. I had too much anxiety and i had no relief. Looking back, i can now see it was inevitable that i would crash.
The good news - i am now much better! I rarely have an attack now, and when it does happen, it's very mild. I have progressed so far that i felt comfortable in writing about my attacks in the past tense. I will continue on medication for a while longer, but if i take care of myself i do not foresee the illness returning. I have learned to listen to my body, to realise when i'm pushing it too far. I've learned the value of relaxation time, but most of all i've learned not to worry so much. Life is way too short and it doesn't do you any good anyway!
I would like to conclude with a message for Kerri. It must have been so frustrating for you, but i am very grateful for your patience and understanding. You really helped get me through this terrible part of my life, especially during the times when i doubted that i would get better. Thank you so very, very much.
posted by Webby at 10:49 pm
4 Comments:
Hi Craig,
Well during that time when you were trying hard just to keep afloat - it's only natural that I should want to be there for you. Whatever may come, we won't give in!
Loving you;
Kerri
Aww... you two are so cute!
Glad you are feeling better mate. Need your strength for our next tennis match where I WILL AVENGE MY LOSS! YESSSS! MWAHAHAHA!
Sorry.
Scott.
Actually i think you beat me last time! lol :-) Kerri and i haven't been practicing lately so you might have a chance at running up a streak. Bah, who am i kidding, you're dead meat!!!
Craig.
You can talk the talk, but can you.... :)
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